Hey Suzanne, 

I'd need a lot more details about what you've tried and what has worked and what hasn't before being able to weigh in on things. But just as a starting off point, I can see a few things on the squeeze page that could use some improvement (at least to my eye).

1. The image is of an amp. It should really be of you, the artist. That's huge.

2. The headline doesn't really do much to create a sense of what the music is. I really had no idea what kind of artist you were until I saw the word "Punk" in a quote.

3. The quotes have no source, and are therefore less impactful.

4. There are no descriptive paragraphs in your copy, which is the approach I suggest in MMM.

Those are all areas you might look at, but targeting is often the biggest issue. It's paramount that you have a "market to message match" and all of the above is necessary (including proper targeting) to get you there.

Hope that helps a bit.

My pleasure. I think the page is looking better. My thoughts as I went through it...

The headline still does not tell me what kind of music it is, though it gives me a better sense.

You might try adding the word "punk" to that headline. IE, Like your indie rock “fiery and funked up*?” Then you’ll love award winning Punk artists "BOOMCHICK"!

That headline is still very pedestrian in that its a "if you like X, then you'll also like Y". That can work, but the more you get into the mind of your fans, the better. 

For example, a headline like "Miss the trashy old school sound of the original Guns N' Roses, then Joe Blow is a must have for your record collection". That's just a rough example, but a headline like that might work well if you targeted G N' R fans over the age of 30. It speaks to a precise interest by mentioning the band. It connects with their values because it differentiates the fact that their sound has changed, and uses a charged word like "trashy". The subtle use of "record collection" also creates texture and an instant image in people's minds that this older audience mind have affinity for. But note how the words are very connected with the targeting. If I targeted Eminem fans, or even younger G N' R fans, this headline would not work.

I think the image looks cool but is quite short. I would shoot to line up a center lock where the image is on the left and teh quotes line up to the right, creating clear breaks for the readers eye. Sometimes this isn't easy or even possible, but by using bold fonts here and there and an extra line of space where needed you can get pretty close.

For the quotes I would try and find some official sounding source. So instead of "Russell Vessely, sound engineer" I would write that like this quote goes here - Russell Vessely (Studio City Sound) or whatever studio he works for. I would also drop "fan" as a qualifier. Either go with all fans and take a screen shot of Facebook or Twitter tweets and lay them out so it's clear what you are doing, or drop the word fan and leave people to assume it's someone important who they have simply not heard of, then move it to the bottom as it's the least impactful. There needs to be a clear barrier between quotes and body copy. Everything just blurs together.

I'd drop the fan comparisons and work that into a more conversational dialogue.

The format I use for body copy is four paragraphs. The first one tells them who you are and lists the most impressive stats. The second tells them what the music sounds like. The third tells them what they will get. The fourth tells them what to do next.

My best advice would be to go back through the corresponding module in MMM. I explain each of these points in more detail there. You might also check out this IC lesson for some additional insight: https://www.mmmanifesto.com/in.....ge-doctor/

Hope that helps.

Hey Suzanne,

I think this is a big improvement. But there may still be room for a little more tweaking.

I don't personally love the fact that the quotes still bleed into the supporting paragraphs. I usually try to do something to set the image and quotes section apart from the content. This is a bit harder with the image you have chosen. But not impossible. You could add a bit more space, or possibly a line of some sort to just draw a distinction for the eye. You could also look for another image that is more conducive to the layout I suggest in MMM.

That said, I do like the image a lot. It has a great vibe that is very punk. However, that does open up another possible issue which is that it's so punk that the someone straight forward tone of the rest of the copy might clash a little with the branding. I sort of expect more attitude from the voice of the copy. But that is starting to get into the minutia of things. You may choose to address that later.

A final thought is that while I think the fact that you have fluffed up the copy is good, it now reads as a bit cumbersome to me. There are too many qualifications for my taste. I think this...

Boomchick is a proud and feisty representative of their base in Eugene, OR. Starting with a 2nd place award at Willamette Valley Folk Festival’s New Song Contest in the early 2000’s (“Never Let U Down”, featured on Boomchick’s eponymous debut e.p.in 2006), they went on to have three songs from their 2010 release “Joyland” (“TGTW”, “With Any Chance” and “Operation Imperialism”) placed in video games including Rock Band 3.  Boomchick reprised their 2nd place award status in the competitive Next Big ThingEugene contest in 2011. Along with headlining local festivals and touring the I5 corridor, they finished their new album “Waveship” in December of 2015 and received an Akademia Music award for best rock/funk song with the track “Möbius Blip” in March of this year!

Could be turned into this...

"Boomchick is an award winning punk rock trio from Eugene, Oregon. Their debut release, "Joyland", has received critical acclaim and has been featured in numerous video games such as Rock Band 3. They regularly tour the United States where they have earned themselves a spot as a regular headlining act on the festival circuit."

I just threw that together so I'm not saying it's perfect, and I'm not certain it's accurate. But I think it reads easier and puts focus on the major points without distracting the readers eye with too many qualifications or the mention of specific awards and events that may not mean much to the average person.

But again, this is just one guys opinion. I could absolutely be wrong. You really don't know what will work and what won't until you start testing.

Hope that's worth something.

Hi Suzanne,

I just took a look at your page and I think you're starting to settle in with it.  Obviously testing is what's going to help you see how the page performs, but in it's current form, I don't have any problems with it.  I personally like the wider image, although as John mentioned, I do believe the left-side justified image helps to draw eyes down the page a bit better (testing will tell you for sure).

I also like the question in the headline because if you're targeting your audience properly, yes, they probably do miss the "gritty crunch of 80s and 90s indie rock".

I think this is starting to shape up for you.

Can't wait to hear how it performs from here.

Sounds good Suzanne.